Dating in 2018
Update: I feel I need to mention that I am not directing this at guys only by any means. I think that both guys and girls have similar frustrations about these same issues. We've ALL (including married) played a part in how dating has evolved with social media and expectations. And yes, I also have positive dating experiences, where it just simply doesn't work out and we are now friends! But how do we change it? It starts by putting down our phones, giving our full attention to those around us, honest communication and finding happiness in our everyday life. And stop making someone a priority who is only making you an option.
*picture credit from google
To the person who asks “why are you still single?”*picture credit from google
I thought it would be best to just update this letter from 2016 I wrote to inform you why, sparing us both an awkward conversation.
It's always the same.... "You are so amazing, why hasn't anyone snatched you up?" And I am writing this to finally tell you my true, honest and vulnerable answer to that awkward question. Here is a look into dating in 2018….
I am single because I refuse to "send pics" that are being requested by guys I've chatted all of ten minutes with on Mutual. I am single because I refuse to answer the text that comes at 11:45pm, “you up?" I am single because after countless dates I refuse to be okay with "still dating other people” and keeping the door halfway open. So yes, I am 100% the reason why I am single.
I thought dating in 2016 was hard…. 2018 is a whole other ball game. The struggle is freaking real. It's frustrating, discouraging and most times, down right hopeless. And unless you have been single within the last couple years, I am not sure you can fully understand or relate to what level of HARD it is.
When did dating turn from phone calls to snapchats? From "Hey, I'd love to take you out for ice cream on Friday" to just being pen pals on a dating app. From, communicating where your feelings are at, to ‘not being able to text him, because I texted last.’ Like what? The phrase that kills me the most is, "The person who cares the least, has the most power." In what twisted world is that okay? So now we're in competition to care the least? What part of that sounds healthy, or better yet happy? But we've all said it. I will not apologize for wanting to be in a relationship of love, service, adventure and that every day he knows he is deeply cared and loved for. A relationship that we are competing to care the most!
When did dating turn from going on a third date to that somehow translating into a marriage proposal? Gone are the days of "Hey, I think you're awesome but I just don't see us as more than friends" only to be replaced by “ghosting”, never to be seen or heard from again. We have lost all sense of communication for fear of upsetting someone. I would rather be told, “I just don’t see us as more than friends” then never hearing from them again except for their “likes” and “comments” on my social media page. Things went from black and white to grey and blurry real quick with dating and it’s no wonder we all hate it, we’re all confused. Dating seems to be a game that we are playing but somewhere along the way the instructions and rules got thrown out so we’re all just making it up as we go.
Social media has just amplified the dating issues. It’s insane to me how we have to portray the 10% of what our life actually is, to make it seem that it is actually the 90%. We have to only show that we travel the world, go to the best parties, and live from adventure to adventure. But those are just squares on a page, snapshots of our real life. A real life that if we actually described, we wouldn’t have a shot of matching with someone on a dating app because we would sound too boring. Everyone is looking for a “partner to travel the world” or “an adventure buddy” and I’m willing to bet that most people love to travel and are down for a rad adventure of some sort. But those trips and vacations make up the 10% of our lives. What about the 90%? The mundane, the chores and daily routine of life will kill your dating chances faster than anything else if you mention it.
My own Instagram is filled with beautiful landscapes and places that I have been because being outside in the mountains makes my heart so so happy. But they don’t tell my story. Those pictures capture a place, a moment in time. But zoom out of those photos and you’ll see too much money spent on Jimmy Johns or me sleeping an entire weekend from working 70+ hours at work that week. Zoom out and you’ll see my truck at the car shop more weeks of the year than I would like it to be. You’ll see heartache and tears. You’ll see me running a lot of miles to Christian Rock to blow off steam. Zoom out and you’ll see me being clumsy. You’ll see more times than I’d like to admit to falling asleep to The Office reruns. You’ll see me going to bed at 8pm on Friday night. You’ll see hospital stays, candy for dinner and one too many days without washing my hair. Zoom out and you’ll see my life that I actually am quite obsessed with, the mundane an all. But there is no “zoom out” function with dating.
My love language truly is adventure and being outside. But I’m looking for someone to live ALL parts of life with, not just the weekend or a trip to Disneyland. I’ve been on too many dates with guys who tell me all the places they have traveled or are planning on traveling to. Or that one of the biggest traits they look for in a wife is if she loves to travel. And while these guys instagram feeds are them all over the world... they are 30 years old still living with their parents. I’ll take an independent guy who doesn’t still live with his parents over a world traveler any day. But what I want to follow up to that statement is always, “Is Thailand going to be there for you when your mom dies? Are you going to avoid bills, diaper changes, church callings and household repairs because they aren’t fun and photo worthy? When you lose your job, your car breaks down or your kid comes home from school crying… is your Instagram following going to care enough to be there for you? If you post about a hard day at work or a fight you had with a sibling will all those ‘likes’ fill that hurtful void in your heart?”
When did our real life become not good enough? When did the little things in life lose their magic? When did our daily life turn lame?
The biggest issue I have in all this dating craziness is this. In a matter of 1 week swiping on a dating app last year, I received multiple unsolicited half naked pictures. I was asked by several guys to send pictures. My profile had several pictures from Facebook and Instagram that I felt gave an accurate depiction of who I am. These guys were "return missionaries" and "Sunday School Presidents," many of whom I share mutual friends with and saw on at church on Sundays.
The guy I date, whether it be one date or months of dating, will have never asked me for a picture of any kind. I do not condone nor will I ever tolerate half naked (or worse) pictures being sent or viewed. You marry who you date and if someone is comfortable enough asking and sending, not even knowing me, I can only imagine what he is asking of other girls and what our future would be.
We live in a society that is telling girls to take their clothes off in order to be "accepted", "successful", and "beautiful". What breaks my heart is that there are girls gladly sending these pictures, which is why guys keep asking. Girls who are seeking to be loved, cared about and listened to and think by sending these pictures they will receive that in return.
I believe in modesty. I believe that one's self-worth should be measured by their heart and the way they treat others. I believe in the sanctity and sacredness of marriage. I believe in having and keeping high morals. I believe that pornography has no place in anyone’s life.
But, alas, dating apps and social media have created us to be the ways I have mentioned. With ample eligible dating prospects at our finger tips, why do we need to commit? We come home from a great first date just to continue swiping to find the next best one and that original date is nothing but a distant memory. We are searching for who the most fun and coolest person is… and when we find them, we just keep searching anyway. Searching for that perfect person. It’s a never ending cycle of wanting something more, something better.
I am single because I'm not willing to settle, change my standards, or accept certain behaviors with the notion that "but everyone has baggage." No. Everyone has their own personal struggles and trials in life, I get that, and that's not what I am talking about. Certain behaviors will and should never be tolerated.
To those that are still in the ring, know your worth. Know you are worth a phone call, not a dm. You are worth an exclamation point not a question mark. You are worth a date, not a hang out. You are worth a quiet night in AND a weekend adventure. You are worth everything and don’t you dare settle for anything less.
This is 100% my experience with dating. It is torture. I've been ghosted more times than I can count, asked for pics, and find it is an all or nothing approach. If one of us isn't interested, we can't be friends. We have to cut off all contact. After 2 dates!
ReplyDeleteI'm to the point where, if this is what dating and guys are like, I'm good being single, thank-you-very-much!
It is extremely frustrating and sometimes it's hard for people who aren't "in the ring" to fully understand, so I appreciate your thoughts. Good luck out there!
DeleteThere are still great guys out there. Don't give up on us. My roommates and I feel the same way about dating in the way that you described in this article. We shared it on Facebook!!
DeleteMy roommates and I believe in commitment and in loving someone for who they are and THEN what they look like. We want to be attracted to our dating partner, of course, but we recognize that the most important traits are if they are kind, loving, and committed to the gospel.
We're still out here girls. Don't give up on us!!! We haven't given up on you! :)
Thanks for your input! I hope it didn't come across that I was placing the blame on guys only. I know that both guys and girls have the similar frustrations and we are ALL to blame for how it's evolved.
DeleteYou sound amazing to me (a 41 year old mom with a senior daughter this year) and I admire who you are and what you have said here! My brother and you sound the same! (also adorable and single at 31!) He's "weird" because he believes in calling a girl or opening doors for them. He's frustrated that girls just want an "adventure" but when he suggests an outdoor hike, which he loves and he's a runner, they don't want that! I've been told all about "ghosting" and also how it's hard to get a second date because they are just on to the next one! So just know that guys are living this madness too and I hope that some day that girls like you and guys like him will somehow cross paths and find what you both deserve because we need strong youth/young adults like you for any hope in the future! Thanks for sharing!!
ReplyDeleteThanks for your kind words! Dating is such a world wind of mad chaos. We're going at 100 mph but just in circles. Well if your brother lives in Utah, send him my way :)
DeleteTHANK. YOU.
ReplyDeleteThanks for taking time to read it <3
DeleteThere is no such thing as spending too much money on Jimmy Johns.
ReplyDeleteIf you are a guy, let's get married. If you are a girl, we just became best friends!
DeleteNot all guys are like that! The struggle is real for us too, but for different reasons. Good read.
ReplyDeleteI know!!! And I am placing blame on the girls just as much as the guys for how dating has evolved. We have all played a part in it and continue too. Thanks for your comment!
DeleteHi there! :) Thanks for this blog post. As a still-single guy, I think you're probably right with what you're saying about the status of dating. I also believe that women have contributed some to the situation and the path of action some guys are taking to gain attention.
ReplyDeleteNow, I was on Mutual for a few minutes (literally not longer because I really don't like online dating). I can't really relate to what you're saying about it, and I sure believe that demanding nude pictures is way creepy. Let's talk about real life. Imagine this:
You're at a stake dance and a guy who seems alright but who is a bit nervous and a bit clumsy about talking with you walks up to you and strikes a conversation. What's your first thought? Based on my experience (as the honestly sometimes nervous and clumsy alright guy), for a lot of - maybe not all - girls, it's something along the lines of, "this dude is a creeper. Let's get out." And I think that most guys understand that rejection in that situation is one possible outcome, but getting made fun of by the girl or her even threatening to call the police in case the guy keeps talking to her (both of these have actually happened to me)...does it really have to happen that way? Aren't there any other good ways to achieve the goal of the guy leaving, without shaming him in front of everyone for gathering up his courage and approaching a girl?
Next situation: You're at school or at Institute or wherever, and a guy visibly goes out of his way to hold open the door for you. What do you think? I probably have a lot more empirical backing on the first situation, but based on some reactions I've gotten from girls in this situation, they assume that the guy must have some sort of sinister intentions, and that he's trying to lure the girl into some conversation/relationship/marriage through the backdoor (no pun intended). That is, when in reality, they are just trying to be nice gentlemen who may or may not be interested in getting to know the girl at all.
There are other things that have contributed to my slight cynicism towards dating (and if anything, they also show that times are changing). Like, having a genuinely great and long conversation with someone you've just met, and then asking them on a date, and they say that they first want to vet all your social media pages before committing (and then they say no because you're too boring). Or, no longer being able to actually pick up a girl for a first date because they're uncomfortable getting into my car alone with me (no kidding - nowadays, I try to find something to do in walking distance from where my date lives, because I really want to avoid the discomfort and awkwardness).
What both I and these guys who ask for pictures of you on Mutual understand is that, what worked for our parents and grandparents and what (at my age now, in my mid-20s) worked before our missions no longer does, because there is a fundamental shift in society that came about during these past few years. Our conclusions on what to do with it are greatly different, but what we all notice is that what was back then a sign of chivalry (starting a real-life conversation with a girl, being kind to her, being of service to her on dates, etc.) is now considered malicious by many. And as we're still commanded to multiply and replenish the Earth, so to speak, there has to be a different way that works. For some, the route they choose is being inappropriate and asking for pictures on Mutual. For me, it's honestly to become a bit cynical as the odds become more and more stacked against my classical way of doing things.
I get along great with girls - in fact, most of my close friends are girls - but the rules of dating have become so obstructed lately that I believe I can't really keep up. So I guess here's to eternity alone, haha...
I can understand your frustration, but would all that you not be so critical of someone not wanting to be picked up for a date. As a single lady who lives alone I need to know someone well before I'm comfortable with them knowing where I live. It's a safety thing. That doesn't mean that I'm opposed to meeting somewhere.
DeleteGreat synopsis from a male's perspective. Quite accurate. The dating game these days sucks for everyone involved.. and it is both because of crappy women and crappy men involved in it.
DeleteI understand that both sides of dating has frustrations... and those frustrations are probably all very similar. We have all played a part in how dating has evolved. I appreciate a guy's perspective, so thanks for sharing!
DeletePREACH SISTER! I could not agree with you more!
ReplyDeleteThanks for the love!
DeleteThank you so much for this very insightful and well articulated article. I hear this from my single kids all the time. I never know what to say because relationships are so different now that no advice I give seems to apply anymore.
ReplyDeleteWhat is the answer?
Thank you so much Launi! I am not sure what the answer is.... but I think it starts by being and doing the things you expect from who you date. Learning to communicate, even when it's those tough conversations of letting someone know you aren't interested. I think the biggest thing, that I can't stress enough to friends is, don't make someone a priority who is only making you an option. Stay true to who you are and what you expect with dating and things will happen the way they are suppose to :) In the meantime, go be ridiculously happy with your life, because expecting someone else to make you happy with only make you miserable. Tell your kids "good luck" for me :)
DeleteThanks, Amanda. You're adorable...AND wise. <3
DeleteDon’t give up! I was scared for a lot of the time I was dating because I was never sure if I was saying or doing the right thing to give the right impression to the right girl. I would worry about it a lot, and pray regularly that I could find the right person. And then, despite having spent years at BYU (and trying to find the right one), God took the wheel. I received a simple Facebook message from someone who wasn’t even a member of the church at the time, who lived in a different state, and I followed a little prompting to help that girl join the church, and that girl became the love of my life and we are now happily married and tackle the whole 100% of life you mentioned, together. Don’t forget your biggest weapon... you have God on your side! A LOT of people are perhaps not ready for the kind of relationship that you’re looking for, but the ones that are are out there. Just keep heart and know God has a plan.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing your story Tanner, I appreciate your insight and comments. But yes, I completely agree and know that everything and everyone comes into your life for a reason. Thanks for reading!
DeleteDating is awful. As someone who experiences same-sex attraction but want to enter a heterosexual marriage, there're so many barriers to overcome as it is without this weird dating culture of self-advertisement on apps.
ReplyDeleteTristan, thanks for sharing your frustrations as well! I think the more we talk about it and how we as a society can make changes to improve things, the better! We're all on our own individual paths for a reason but hopefully we can make that path a little easier and brighter for everyone.
DeleteToo, too good. I love you for saying all of this, my Katy friend. You got this. We got this! It only has to work with one fantastic person and it will. I'm cheering you on!
ReplyDeleteOmg you’re the nicest! Thank you so much!
DeleteThis is so great. I think the problems you describe apply to much more than just the dating world, but the 'interaction' world in general. Spot on!
ReplyDeleteI would totally agree. Everyone is too caught up in the next big thing that we miss out on our life. Thanks for the love!
DeleteAmazing read! Don't give up on dating. I had the blessing of finding my adventure partner, but also a man willing to deal with all parts of my life, crazy good and bad! Let me tell you being able to be all parts of you with someone and having them care is something special and something I would pay attention to while dating or just observing friends while we are out hanging. Make those opportunities to see those traits and if they "ghost" then count it a blessing, although frustrating, because now you know the truth and can move on. Just don't give up and keep believing because the hard work will pay off! (:
ReplyDeleteNakaela, thanks so much for sharing! I definitely believe that everything and person comes into your life for a reason, and usually a lesson to be learned and you can grow from it!
DeleteI agree with you 100%. I have had the same online experience. I pray you will find soomeone who likes Jimmy Johns as much as you as well as Spritual compatability.
ReplyDeleteOmg Sherry, I literally laughed out loud at your comment, see you get it! Honestly you hit the nail on the head with Jimmy Johns. All he needs to say is “I’m taking you to Jimmy Johns” and I’m sold. THANK YOU for making me laugh!
DeleteI am still single, too, and older than you.
ReplyDeleteI likewise have a million reasons why that is, and some of them are less fundamental than I used to think.
The best relationship advice I've ever heard is this: You can be "right" or you can be effective.
It's too easy for our hearts to be wrapped in layer after defensive layer of armor, all the while brandishing a sword stamped with: "I'm not settling." You can be right, or you can be effective.
Eventually I stopped looking over people's résumés through the peep hole of pride to see who might be able to connect by working their way through the gauntlet that I had half-consciously laid out for them.
Now instead I begin with the connection first, résumé later. (And bad behavior = bad connection, so no settling in that sense.)
You can be right, or you can be married.
Wow, do guys really ask for girls to send pics?.... I mean seriously, even on Mutual I expected guys (such as RMs) to at least be a little more respectful. Though I didn't know about that, it's sad to say, but I am not surprised. Overall though, the things you say I can relate mostly such as the "least you care the more power," ghosting as the new hype, and also the whole travel around the world that apparently equaling success. I mean, I love to travel, but yet I do not look at it as success in life. I have many a times installed Mutual to only uninstall it the very next day as it sometimes feel meaningless, but at the same time there is no one around you in your area so what are you going to do? All I can say is to be push forward with patience and diligence and you'll be fine. Hope is what motivates us to eventually reach that goal. You're doing fine.
ReplyDeleteI can not thank you enough for this post! A close friend sent me your post, and it really hit home. I've been feeling exactly this for the last few years. I love your LDS perspective on online dating culture. Being LDS myself, it can be hard to relate to other people who don't have the same values/ goals.
ReplyDeleteI turned 29 this year, and it made me really think about the things I want, and what goals I need to start accomplishing on my own - instead of waiting to do them once I'm married. I haven't put my life on hold by any means, I just have more dreams to fulfill, and I can do them on my own!
I love the end of your post when you mentioned knowing your worth, we are worth a phone call, an exclamation point, a planned date, a quiet night in AND a weekend adventure.
Thanks again!!! You're awesome!
-Courtney H